When thinking about gender, it’s important to take a critical look at where our ideas about gender come from. We don’t live in a vacuum. Our ideas about gender (and how we expect other people to behave and feel) are influenced by our families, our own feelings, and culture at large.
As a gender therapist and gender-affirming counselor, I have these conversations all the time.
Based on all my experience, I can confidently say this:
Gender is NOT making fun of people (so they’ll buy your product).
Gender is NOT telling people there’s just one way to be (so they’ll buy your product).
Gender is NOT telling people they’ll be unlovable (unless they buy your product)
Unnecessarily-Gendered-Product Hall of Fame
Dr. Pepper - It’s Not for Women
MEN! BE MANLY! THIS IS WHAT MANLY IS!
WOMEN! STAY AWAY FROM MANLY! HERE IS A LIST OF ACCEPTABLE FEMININE INTERESTS!
MEN! BE BOSSY!
WOMEN! LET ME TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN AND CANNOT DO OR LIKE!
Veet - Hairy Tales
Women! Your natural body is disgusting!
You owe other people smooth legs, because apparently…they signed up to see hot legs?
If your legs are hairy, you are violating a contract that you signed, not only with dwarves, but also with woodland creatures?
(Also, let’s contrast this with the Dr. Pepper ad, which was explicitly telling women to stay in their lane. Here, the message isn’t “back off and let me be my gender.” It’s “express your gender in a way that makes other people comfortable.”)
Dove Men - Manthem
This ad has a veneer of empowerment (excuse me, MENpowerment).
It lists many tropes and supposed “common experiences” of being a man. Some men can relate, this ad only captures the perspective of a white, cisgender, straight man who is not the first in his family to go to college.
In trying to be empowering, it simultaneously gives the impression that if you’re a man, this is the way to do it.
(Also, the product is soap. Finally, there’s a soap for…men? Were men not able to bathe before?)
CVS - Wonderfully Forgettable Carefree Liners
“How can an ad for feminine hygiene products be unnecessarily gendered?” you might ask. Let this ad show you.
Broken down by the now-defunct blog Ad-Busting, this ad claims to show the priorities of women.
Similarly to how the Dove ad claimed to understand the experiences of men, this ad purports to know what women really think about.
While some women may focus on these things, not all do. I sincerely hope my hernia surgeon spent some time thinking about med school. While I’d love to travel, I don’t think a beachfront view is gonna cure that.
(As an important reminder, anyone with a uterus, including transgender men and non-binary people, can have periods. Most advertisers haven’t caught on to this yet, as I haven’t seen any PADS - FOR MEN ads lately).
“Abolish Gender!” (The appeal and the drawbacks)
After seeing some of these products, it’s easy to see the perspective of people who think “abolish all gender!” These products are so ridiculous and far away from most people’s everyday experiences. I hear from a lot of people (mostly adults) that this construction of gender is so ridiculous, why not get rid of it?
The drawback is this: gender is complicated! Gender is important to some people, but not at all important to others.
Instead of telling people to have MAXIMUM GENDER BINARY (in 10 easy payments) or NO GENDER (free), we can just let people be themselves.
There are a ton a ways to be masculine, feminine, both, or neither. There’s a ton of ways that people experience their gender internally.
How can I better understand my (or my loved one’s) gender?
Much of my work with teens, adults, and families involves exploring, understanding, and empathizing with how gender feels for us (and for the people we love).
It’s okay to not understand your child or family member’s gender at first. And it’s also okay to be frustrated when a parent or family member doesn’t understand your gender.
This is where counseling comes in. I find many people benefit from taking a family-oriented gender counseling approach that looks at the larger social context.
Even for adults exploring their gender, taking a wide view helps. It can be hard to separate “who I should be” from “who I actually am.” A therapist can help you tease this out and feel less alone on your journey.
Understanding gender can take time. It can be messy and frustrating, but it doesn’t have to suck forever.
<3 Vered
Gender counseling for teens and young adults
Want more support as you explore your gender? Vered Counseling is an Austin-based gender therapy clinic. We specialize in working with teens, young adults, and entire families.
Read more about our therapy for transgender teens or counseling for transgender adults. If you want more problem-solving and less therapy, see if a transgender road map session would be right for you.
Check out the Vered Counseling blog for more helpful tips, like what is gender therapy like, how to get a HRT letter in Texas or North Carolina, and what are puberty blockers.
We also provide support for parents of transgender teenagers and adults.
Ready to get started? Contact Vered Counseling today!